Winter is really hard on me and this one, in particular, has been difficult. The weather has been like a roller coaster ride which has really affected me. My joints are swollen, some are red with fever and I feel a bone-weary tiredness from which no amount of sleep can cure. When I taught bible study this week, I had such a hard time focusing on leading discussion. I came home feeling like a failure to God and my ladies because I wasn’t able to give 100%. I know in my head that was the tiredness talking but my heart feels different.
I hate the disease’s imposition and interruption in my life. I don’t want it to take over by keeping and stopping me from doing what I’m capable of doing. I want to draw a line in the sand and say, “No More!” Then, the disease takes control and lays me out.
I take an IV every six weeks. The day wipes me out since the procedure takes a good portion of the day. I take my blanket, my pillow and my book, sometimes my Honey Do and I brace myself for those needles that I still hate to this day and then I pause and think … I’m grateful for medicine and the quick work of needles in the skilled hands of the nurses. I’m reminded in that moment that others have a far more difficult health journey than I, but the moment is hard when the pain, stiffness and fatigue peak. Then, the true test of gratitude is at its toughest.
I remember the day I read this passage;
I realized I didn’t want my life to be defined by my disease. I didn’t want to be an arthritic woman. I wanted to be a woman who happens to have arthritis. I want to say, “I can do” rather than ” I can’t do.” My hope and prayer is always that my journey and struggle would be a blessing to someone else.
Thank you, dear readers, for your patience today in letting me share the bad.
Blessings,
Mimi
and laying his hands on each one, he healed them.”
Luke 4:40 NIV Bible
Mimi — I'm so sorry yet thankful for your courage in sharing. You will be in my prayers. I remember once reading a post of Ann Voskamp's about how we are people, not the "person with _____" and your words remind me of that. When it's time to sort our identities from the heavy loads, thank you for reminding me that we're not defined by the load…and can work to not define others by theirs, either… Praying for you.
Thank you sweet friend.